Monday, January 15, 2007

They're All Gonna Laugh At You

I recently took part in a little musical project put forth from the creative spark that is Ze Frank (who else?). The wonderful vblog wizard wrote a song for his intro to 03 Jan episode of the show, and invited viewers to download the background accompaniment and write their own versions or remix it in whatever way they saw fit.

As a hardcore fan and daily viewer, I've yet to really take part in any of ze's projects. Never tried to make an earth sandwich, never dressed up my vacuum cleaner, never remixed a song for Ray. I've been hanging around the forum, though, for well nigh on six months time, and I was yearning to carve a few notches in my woefully unblemished fifteen minutes of fame stick.

It took me over a week. Armed with a free shareware music editing program called audacity, and a $20 chat mic from Logitech, I made a contribution to the fun winter gallery. Consequently, the wizard patted my head.

Which is getting bigger by the moment. Compliments abounded from fellow sports racers for my effort to get out the brain crack.

Despite the boon of feeling like Sally Field (you like me, you really like me!) I am, in the back of my reptile brain, waiting for the bucket of big blood (they're all gonna laugh at you -- is it Piper Laurie I hear in my head, or Adam Sandler?!). At the very least, I soon expect my third grade nemesis, Timothy Rogan, to pop out from behind a corner and viciously retort, "Psych!"

Which leads me to the inevitable question: am I still so dysfunctionally insecure and lacking in confidence at almost 37 years old that I can't take a compliment?!

I like your outfit.

What, this old thing? I found it at the back of my closet. It's so old.

It's this insidious frame of mind that continues to permeate my subconscious. Positive commentary gets flipped around. I fear reprisal for being less than humble, but really it's just a lack of self-worth that short circuits my ability to accept things with grace.

Speaking of grace, I think part of my attitude stems from the humility I've been taught was essential to being an obedient Christian. But somehow I doubt that God would want me to be mealy-mouthed and outright disrespectful of others. And that's really what it comes down to: when we dodge a compliment, we're essentially throwing it back in the face of our admirers. And that really sucks.

So I have a new New Year's resolution. Take the good will of others with a humble heart, but don't invalidate their praise.


At 8:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for the great post! It is really cool to hear such honesty. That resistance/deprecation is something I've felt as well, and probably a lot of people share. Here's to letting that fall away in 07.

At 8:48 PM, Blogger Ellabee said...

I'm glad I hit on something that resonated with you. I like to think some of the stuff I spew is universal, but one never knows without feedback. : )


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